Bestival 2012 Round-Up

I’ve been quiet on here for a while, but with good reason. A couple of weeks ago I landed back in Southamptonland after a mightily enjoyable 4/5 days on The Island attending Bestival 2012 as part of the University of Southampton Roadshow. Having now had a few days to recover both my brain and body, here’s a quick summary of all of the cool stuff that went down and the major discoveries.

I’ll start with some discussion about the reason we were there: As a group, populating the Bestival Science Tent with various stands and science and stuff, and on a personal level, to give an hour-long talk in the Besti-versity Tent on human spaceflight. The Science Tent itself was open 10am-6pm Thursday-Friday, but the UoS stands inside it swapped over on Friday evening, so our Astronautics stand stayed up only for the Thursday and Friday, giving us Astro Boys time off on the weekend to watch bands and generally lark about. Thurs/Fri was pretty busy in the tent, and we met a whole load of new people to talk about space debris to and to get the involved with the DAMAGE simulation and the Space Junker games we had running. Overall, we had lots of engagement and lots of questions from lots of people, so in those terms our presence at Bestival 2012 was pretty rewarding. It’s been estimated by higher forces that we directly engaged with 10% of the festival audience (6,000 or so) and had 20% at least pass by (12,000) or so, so those are some nice statistics.

Besti-versity wasn’t running on the Thursday but followed schedule of 12pm-7pm on Friday to Sunday, of which I was the inaugral speaker at Midday on Friday. Nerves were pretty wracked beforehand but I calmed down enough to deliver everything I had to deliver with increasing confidence; I imagined a kind of blithering, Boris Johnson-style performance but everything came out relatively well and in a relatively relaxed manner, so I guess that’s a positive thing. I didn’t count the capacity of the tent, but I reckon 40 or so people watched the talk, plus a few who came through and left or just stuck their head through the door. Not bad going, given I was expecting no-one to come at all. The tent itself was pretty baking in the beating sunshine, and also very bright, meaning that it was a little hard to see the Prezi slides I was projecting, but that wasn’t too big a deal. The tent itself was populated inside by armchairs and sofas to give it a relaxed atmosphere; so much so that there were a couple of people catching forty winks in there at various points, but I’ll put that down to the festival atmosphere/too much party rather than my failings/dullness as a speaker. I had a few people come up to me afterwards and ask a few questions, and even had people over the weekend recognising me out-and-about and saying that they’d seen my talk, which was nice. I also now have an official Bestival 2012 programme with my name in it, which is a super feeling.

What of the music? Well, I went Bestival with  only a few bands that I really really wanted to see, primarily Justice, Nero and New Order, and happy to wander around and discover new stuff the rest of the time without having to worry about missing things I wanted to see.

Thursday was closed on the main stage but open everywhere else, and things kicked off with The Men That Will Not Be Blamed For Nothing  in the Bandstand, and my, how they kicked things off. The Men blasted out all the hits and easily were the loudest thing I heard all weekend. I had to scurry off at the end of the set in order to sort out Science Tent closing stuff, but since the bandstand was pretty much right next door, the rest sounded just as good. Alas, their second performance on the Saturday clashed with both New Order and Justice and so I didn’t see them again, but so pleased I heard them at some point. Thursday evening I went with the flow and went to the Big Top to hear Alabama Shakes, who were kind of okay but largely not my scene but everyone seemed to be having a good time. I think I poked my head into a few other tents across the night and heard some other bands, but I can’t for the life of me remember who they were.

Friday was the first main stage day, and the troops rallied to go watch The XX followed by Florence and the Machine, both of which were accomplished by relatively unknown to me. I actually preferred The XX, and they sounded epic in the live setting; much more so than on the records that I’ve since sought out. Florence was alright, and I certainly got caught up in the atmosphere and did a little dancing, but it did kind of feel that the whole set was balanced very carefully on her and she seemed engulfed by the sheer size of the crowd and dwarfed by the stage. Not bad, just a little underwhelming to a newcomer to her stuff.

Saturday was my main day, with everything building up to Justice at approx. 11pm., and I wasn’t disappointed. The Big Top was absolutely packed and full of fluid, sweater festivalgoers dancing their minds away to ‘Genesis’, ‘D.A.N.C.E.’, ‘Civilisation’ and a mind-blowingly awesome live DJ set from the French house masters. If I hadn’t already seen Andrew W.K.’s glorious I Get Wet 10th anniversary show at London Forum (probably the best gig ever, solidified by Kerrang’s unprecedented 6K review), then this would easily have been the best gig of the year. As it is, it has to settle for a (very) close second. Earlier in the day we’d watched Earth, Wind & Fire Experience feat. Al McKay, Two Door Cinema Club and the first half of New Order; all of which were entertaining and engaging, and we followed Justice up with Nero‘s late-night set in the Big  Top, which was as packed and sweaty as expected, with a ground-thumping Wub Wub that could be felt from across the festival site. Badass.

Moving to Sunday, I ducked out of the Science Tent during the afternoon to go watch 2:54 at the Psychadelic Worm tent (as brilliant live on record) and then Rizzle Kicks on the main stage (didn’t know any of their stuff, danced like a loon anyway). The evening’s events on the main stage kicked off with Sigur Rós, who were spectacular. Not a band that I knew much about, but now I’m pretty much a convert. This was then followed by Stevie Wonder, who did a fantastic job of closing out the festival. Musically superb and a brilliant showman, he even took technical failure of his piano in his stride and improvised with the rest of his kit. A solid effort, and followed up with a spectacular fireworks display to round off the night. Good stuff.

Anyway, I had an awesome time at Bestival 2012, and no mistake. So much so that I’d consider going back again next year, with the Roadshow (which has been making encouraging noises about returning in 2013) or under my own steam. Who knows where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing by next September (thesis pending), but I’ll certainly keep my ear to the ground. If anyone wants to come along and join me, well that’d be rad. Godspeed.

[Zinar7]

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WEC 6 Hours of Silverstone 25-26/08/2012

This last weekend was the World Endurance Championship 6 Hours of Silverstone at, uh, Silverstone, and a good time was had by all. The following photos document the Saturday (WEC practice, Formula Renault race 1, WEC qualifying, Classic Endurance Racing race) and Sunday (WEC practice, WEC race) of the weekend and represent just a selection of the thousands of photographs I took over the weekend. Enjoy.

[Zinar7]

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Catching Hay Fever on the Moon

Hi! Welcome to the supporting webpage for the ‘Catching Hay Fever on the Moon‘ talk from the Besti-versity tent at Bestival 2012. If you heard the talk and would like to learn more about manned spaceflight, spacecraft systems engineering or anything else to do with spaceflight, then further details and information can be found here along with other good resources, books and webpages that might be of interest.

If you missed the talk or want to download copies of the presentation (in either Prezi or PowerPoint form) from the Besti-versity tent, then you can do so here:

About Me

This is the blurby bit about me:

I’m Simon. I’m a postgraduate student from the University of Southampton, working in the Astronautics Research Group while working on a PhD project looking at using satellite radar systems to observe turbulence in the upper-layer of the ocean. This page is posted on my personal blog; feel free to have a browse if you’re particularly curious.

I’m currently finishing my third year of PhD study while simultaneously working on various outreach activities (like the University of Southampton Roadshow at Bestival and beyond) and trying to promote the world of ‘space’ to a wider audience. The personal webpage for my PhD project can be found here: Satellite Measurement of Turbulence

If you’ve got any questions about anything I’ve talked about or want to find out more about the sort of work I do, then feel free to e-mail me at sgg303 [at] soton.ac.uk

Space

Space is extraordinary. More extraordinary, however, is the time, effort and expertise of the men and women who design, construct and operate the spacecraft and probes that explore and inhabit the world outside our own. ‘Space’ is still a deeply fascinating environment… the wonderful machines used to transport people and technology into space do not just “leap” into being: human ideas, perspiration and dedication are integral components to the birth of a spacecraft. All that’s required to take up the challenge of being a future spacecraft designer is a passion; you don’t need to be a superhuman to work in the space industry (they let me in, so it can’t be that hard!)

I first got into spacecraft engineering during my undergraduate degree, discovering the fascinating, exciting and groundbreaking work that is pursued in the space industry and its subsidiaries. I was immediately captured by the considerable efforts to place humans in space and keep them there, but also the development of earth observation satellites and instrumentation to observe our planet and its climate response.

Further Reading (with Amazon links)

The following books give a good introduction to the world of manned (and unmanned) spaceflight for budding rocket scientists, astronauts or spacecraft systems engineers without delving into armfuls of mathematics, equations and formulae. If the Besti-versity talk piqued your interest in the world of ‘space’, then these texts come highly recommended.

If you’re considering spaceflight engineering as a career and are interested in designing, constructing, testing or operating spacecraft, then I recommend the following text for getting started on systems engineering of spacecraft:

Degree Courses at the University of Southampton

If you’re interested in studying space systems engineering at University, then follow the following links to the University of Southampton’s degree course webpages.

Other Links

How has the ISS benefitted people on the ground?
http://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/station/research/benefits/index.html

Where is the International Space Station right now?
http://www.isstracker.com/

What happens to the human body in the vacuum of space?
http://www.uh.edu/engines/epi2691.htm

ESA: Effect of spaceflight on the human body:
http://www.esa.int/esaHS/ESAGO90VMOC_astronauts_0.html

Radiation doses in space and effects on human body:
http://www.esa.int/esaCP/SEMYYHUHJCF_index_0.html

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Postcards from Wilton House

Today was Wilton House Classic & Supercar Day, and I think I’m right in saying that a good time was had by all. Met with the J-monster at The Lazy Cow in Salisbury at 0930 for awesome breakfast of blueberry pancakes with maple syrup & cream, before departing for Wilton in the sunshine. Some nice machinery on show, and some of my best photos are in the gallery below. Enjoy.

[Zinar7]

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2012: A Summer Oddyssee (sic)

What am I up to this summer? Well, here’s a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to where the heck I’ll be and when over the course of the next three months. Doesn’t include a bunch of short-notice stuff that will inevitably crop up, but hopefully this gives the general gist of things.

 

05/08/2012 ~ Wilton House Classic & Supercar Day

Totally not as cheesy as it sounds, this is basically a whole bunch of awesome-looking piles of metal and carbon fibre converging (last year, around 100-150 of the world’s finest supercars) on a country estate outside of Salisbury to the delight of many. Actually a pretty relaxed affair and one of the highlights of the South Coast petrolhead’s summer. I believe the convoy of expensive machinery will be convoy-ing from London at some point in the early hours, so if you’re on the M3 early in the morn, keep an eye out for a bunch of Zondas, F458s, Lambos, MP4-12Cs, F40s and maybe a Veyron or two zooming past at MANY VELOCITY. I’ll be driving over, so feel free to catch a lift from Southampton.

10-12/08/2012 ~ Ockfest 2012
The annual pilgrimage to Ockley for Ockfest2012 at Dan’s. Queue outdoor camping, violent games of ‘spoons’, outdoor hide-and-seek in the dark, probably Singstar and the obligatory quiz. Always good fun, assuming that Dan’s garden isn’t a swamp and that Great Britain isn’t in typhoon season. Driving up on the Friday to deploy camping gear and shunting back to Southampton on Sunday afternoon

18/08/2012 ~ RockSoc Summer Classic pubcrawl
While the students are away, the oldies of RockSoc play. Relaxed pubcrawl starting at the Drummond Arms and finishing at The Hobbit where there’ll be some RockSoc DJ sets and stuff. I’ve also heard word that Chef Bernie at The Hobbit may be cooking up some special requests for us, as well. Great success.

25/08/2012 ~ Karting (Milton Keynes Daytona)
Maybe. Haven’t decided yet, is an unnecessary expense but I want to go karting. If anyone else from Southamptonland wants to come up and join me, that would be rad and most welcome.

26/08/2012 ~ 6 Hours of Silverstone
The World Endurance Championship comes to Silverstone again as part of the Le Mans Series/Intercontinental Le Mans Cup, and gives us race fans a second time to catch the major Le Mans contenders (Audi, Toyota, Lola) plus the usual range of GT cars hooning around Silverstone for six hours straight. Usually a nice, quiet and chilled-out afternoon  (well, when the Corvettes aren’t roaring past) of some top-quality international motorsport. One of the best value-for-money motor events on the calendar, a Sunday ticket is only £20 or so including roving grandstand which is ideal for watching the start from Luffield, wandering up to Maggots/Beckets during the middle of the race and finishing the day at Club corner to watch the chequered flag and podium ceremony. There’s also usually pitlane/paddock access before the race so you can peek into garages and watch the mechanics preparing the machines. Any Southampton race fans are also welcome to catch a lift. Bring your camera!

28-31/08/2012 ~ ‘Life After the PhD’ conference
A little while ago I submitted an entry to attend this 4-day conference at the Cumberland Lodge, subsidised by the University on the basis that I’m unsure what to do after this is all over, and I was awarded a funded place on the course. Should be a nice few days mingling with people from industry and academia from a range of disciplines, and also a bunch of people in a similar situation, which will hopefully reveal a few of my options and hopefully some ideas that I’d not considered for my follow-up career. I’m certainly thinking of other opportunities well out of the space/engineering field, and it’d be good to hear what sort of things I might be able to participate in once if I graduate.

05-10/09/2012 ~ Bestival (Isle of Wight)
I’ll be attending my first ever music festival with the University of Southampton Roadshow by participating in the Astro Research Group stand in the Science Tent of the ‘Tomorrow’s World’ field and talking to festivalgoers about satellites and space. I’m scheduled to be the first speaker in the Besti-versity Tent, which has a jam-packed schedule of 45-minute long science-based talks from various disciplines, where I’ll be talking about “Catching Hay Fever on the Moon and other Curious Facts about Humans in Space“. I’ll be there from Wednesday until Monday, so if you’re coming along as well, feel free to say “hi”.

07/10/2012 ~ British Touring Car Championship, Silverstone
The BTCC is one of the most action-packed saloon racing championships in the world, and reaches its climax at Silverstone. It’s turned into a rollicking season with Matt Neal, Gordon Shedden and Jason Plato all duking it out for the top spot, and the ‘Stone hosts the final three races of the season. There’s also a whole host of support races (Ginettas, Carreras, Clios etc.), providing a solid six hours of entertainment for about 20quid. Southampton troops are welcome to catch a lift if they’d like.

So, a solid summer of Awesome Stuff is planned. I should probably also start on that thesis at some point, but meh. Onwards to fun things!

[Zinar7]

PhD Fraud #04: The Escapist

PhD04

Massively stuck in a rut at the moment. This comes after an awesome week at Farnborough International Airshow last week, which was awesome for many, many reasons: notably awesome company, awesome stuff to see, rewarding engagement with the public and it not being my PhD. So, after a week of mega Highs, I’ve had a week of mega Lows and another inevitable look into the mirror at who I am and what I’m doing.

At the moment, I just want to Escape. Where to? Pfft, anywhere. Last week was kind of like the most magical Escape ever, what with working an 80-or so hour week with Farnborough and the Headstart Design Triathlon, since not only were both of them super-fun but also I didn’t really have time to stop and think about my problems or worries. Skip forward a week, and things are the complete opposite: sure, life is a rollercoaster and has ups and downs, blah blah blah, but usually they’re rarely this violent or placed so close together. I’d just love to run away somewhere and hide out for an indefinite amount of time; barricade myself in a fortress of pillows in a long-forgotten cave and sleep away eternity. Running away from problems, though, is rarely a viable solution, but it seems too tiring and depleting to tackle them head-on right now: I just don’t have the energy or willpower to fight them, so retreating to a completely comatose state devoid of feelings sounds almost like heaven right now. It’s all just too much, and I’m feeling hugely overwhelmed with Life in general.

Also following such a busy week of meeting and talking to so, so many people, the return back to everyday life makes me feel so alone. Maybe it’s my brain trying to do the Escaping for me; shutting out everything and everyone in an attempt to wish my problems away. This sort of thing is normal service, bottling up the troubles and keeping out everyone who might try to tinker with them. It’s always been this way, and I’m not sure I know an alternative. There are some people I can talk freely and openly to (oddly enough, not even necessarily those I’ve known for a long time) but every so often the barrier opens enough to let someone in, to actually forge a real bond or connection. Meeting new people is always a constant strain: I’m always worried about how I come across, or trying so hard for others to ‘like’ me rather than just being myself. It’s when the blockade is truly disengaged that I make the best friendships, when I’m not pressurising myself to be the most likeable, talented or attractive homo sapien in existence, but just being content with presenting myself as I really am. There’s a great part from the end of The Ataris – The Hero Dies in this One that sums that all up pretty nicely: “The hardest part isn’t finding who we need to be, it’s being content with who you are.

The PhD locomotive has slowed to an almost halt at the moment, and it’s almost impossible to either built up enough momentum to get through the day, or to maintain concentration for more the fifteen minutes before the inevitable desire to do anything else at all overwhelms. My work feels so unfinished, and so useless, and my energy stores are so empty that I don’t have the facilities to do anything about it. I came into my PhD fresh with enthusiasm, and ideals of creating or developing something that I could be proud of in three years’ time: what little I feel like I’ve achieved barely even classifies as something ‘new’. I’m disillusioned, dispirited and despaired with myself and my abilities. I don’t feel like I deserve a PhD at this stage, to be honest. And that’s pretty demoralising: I don’t think I’ve made enough of an impact to obtain a doctoral qualification yet, and the worry is that it’s still a long way off. Sure, supervisors are encouraging and hint that I’m being pessimistic, but it’s a constant battle with my own confidence. Then again, do I even care any more? If I finish my thesis and get rejected for a PhD but make it out with an MPhil, is that so bad? For many, coming out with an MPhil is worse than not bothering in the first place, but what difference does it really make in the end? Applying for jobs or a career is subjective (on the part of the employer) anyway, so if I’m looking to head into industry, those 3-4 years of research struggle probably tell a bigger story about my commitment and perserverence in the face of adversity than about my failure to obtain a full doctorate.

Good news? Well, there is some. Turns out that, as part of the University of Southampton Roadshow, I’m going to be representing our research group at Bestival, and in order to get extra tickets so one other from my group can come, I volunteered to give a half-hour talk in the ‘Bestiversity’ zone of the festival or a rolling daily schedule. So yeah, I’m playing Bestival. Stressing my balls off about it at the moment, but if I can nail it then it should be pretty fun and also a massive thing for both my confidence and CV. Plus, while I’m not au fait with much of the line-up (I don’t think Bestival is really aimed at me), I will relish the opportunity to see Justice live, plus there’s New Order, Gary Numan, Kavinsky and maybe Nero to go watch as well. Just need to whip a half-hour talk into shape in less than six weeks, is all…

Anyway, I’ve probably vented for long enough.  I feel a little bit better for doing so, but if you’ve read this far down the post, you have to promise to do me a favour. Next time you ask me how I am, if I respond with “I’m fine,” don’t believe me. Keep asking me, because eventually I’ll break and explain the issues with the kind of gravity that they have rather than trying to brush them off. Things feel dark for me at the moment, but only because they were so light so long ago; and I’d like to recapture those photons and feel as energised as I did last week. I can’t run away from problems and I can’t keep them stored up forever. Open me up, and let the light in.

[Zinar7]

Postcards from Farnborough

Last week was the Farnborough International Airshow 2012, and I was there for five of the seven days of the event representing the Astro Research Group on the University of Southampton Aerospace stand in the newly-formed Innovation Zone. During the downtime and so on, I managed to take a whole bunch of pictures; of which those presented in the gallery below are a small selection of the best. Enjoy!

[Zinar7]

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Postcards from Goodwood

Today was Goodwood Moving Motor Show day, and despite the overwhelming heat and humidity, a good time was had by all and many photos were taken of delicious machinery. Here’s just a few of them.

[Zinar7]

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Postcards from Nuremberg

It’s been a while since my last proper entry, but I haven’t fully documented my (brief) time in Germany at the end of April (22nd-27th) nor shared any photos, so thought I’d go ahead and do that.  I was over in Nuremberg for the EUSAR 2012 conference (European Conference on Synthetic Aperture Radar) and to present some of my work, so it was partly for business but also partly for pleasure. I’ve never been to  das Deutsche vaterland before (despite continuing with the German language at school further than I did with French), so I was crazy keen to do so. Anyway, turns out it was farking awesome, so all’s well that ends well.

Arrived on the Monday evening and successfully managed to negotiate the U-bahn from the airport to the Hauptbahnhof (main train station) and out into Nuremberg itself. The hotel I booked was right near the station, which ended up pretty useful for getting to/from places and also not getting lost. Hotel wasn’t too bad, apart from the really thin walls and floor which meant I could hear noisy people walking up and down the corridor at like 1am and then 6am (with noisy wheely suitcases), so kind of didn’t sleep hugely well all week. Eventually got used to being awake at 7am and heading down to buffet breakfast, although on no day did I actually manage to get to the conference on time (which started at 0830) which remained a bit of a mystery. Conference itself was okay; a few interesting talks interspersed with some tediously dull ones. I think my own talk went down as well as could be expected: Had a few people come up and talk about my work afterwards, which is always a good sign that you’re on the right track.

The conference centre itself was pretty nice and the catering was top-notch (especially since I wasn’t actually expecting to be fed), so a fairly pleasant few days of work(ish) activity. The weather in the middle of the week was a little damp, but I think I skipped one afternoon of the conference to make use of a brief sunny weather to look round Nuremberg in the daytime since by the time I’d get back from the hotel from the conference each day it was beginning to get dark and so wouldn’t get much of a chance to look round the city under natural light.  I’d booked my return flight in the evening on the day after the final conference day, and the weather on that Friday was bright sunshine and 25 degree weather which was pretty epic. I think I managed to walk around the entireity of Nuremberg that day (largely because I’d been kicked out of my hotel and couldn’t go the airport yet) and even up around the Imperial Castle, which has got a pretty rad view of the city. Turns out it’s not that huge a metropolis, but just feels a lot larger because there’s loads of windy streets and narrow, cobbled pathways. The hotel was pretty central (next to the main station which has the U-bahn to both conference centre and airport) and near a load of food-type stuff (plus the tourist information centre also what appeared to be the red light district), so that helped a lot in the stakes of the Not Getting Lost game.

Nuremberg’s pretty good for shopping, and one of the many awesome places is Käthe Wohlfahrt, which is full of awesome Christmas stuff and open all year round: I bought Bry and myself a wooden nutcracker solider guy to hang from a tree (that we currently don’t own, but will do one day, I’m sure). There was a Steiff shop that was equally awesome, but far too expensive for my budget; I had a look around and they had some old bears in there (along with loads of new toys) but didn’t decide to bring anything home. Germany’s the home of boardgames, and I managed to come away with some cool new ones in the way of Carcassonne: Mayflower and Alhambra, as well as a couple of new Carcassonne expansions which haven’t made to English shores yet but look pretty interesting – Carcassonne: The Flier and Carcassonne: Messages.  The hand worker’s market (Handwerkerhof) is also a super-cool medieval market just within the city walls (and not far from my hotel and the main station) which was full of loads of craft-based stuff like glass-blowing, toymaking and woodcrafting: certainly if I’d had any money left by the end of the week, I could’ve found plenty of cool stuff to come home with.

The only downside to everything was the nightmare return trip: our plane got delayed leaving Nuremberg airport (because Amsterdam was super-busy and they couldn’t fit our landing slot in) so missed my connection to Heathrow at Amsterdam and had to stay a night in a hotel in Amsterdam (courtesy of KLM). I say ‘night’; the flight I missed was due to leave at 2030 and was the last flight (to LHR) of the day, so I got lucky with getting the first flight the next day (apparently all flights out of AMS were fully-booked until the Monday, but n/m) at 0630, so spent only six hours in the hotel before flying back, meaning I barely got any sleep, didn’t have anything with me (all my luggage was at the airport baggage area) or any clean clothes to change into. Also we had to leave the hotel at like 0430 so didn’t even manage to get breakfast at the airport, but everything (including me and my luggage) made it back okay on Saturday, so all’s well.

I took a bunch of photos over the trip, so here’s a little gallery of the rest of them:

Found it kind of a wrench to leave in the end, but also didn’t want to outstay my welcome; I’d definitely like to go back to Bavaria again sometime soon, so was quite keen not to burn out the experience. It’s chock-full of awesome stuff to go see: gothic-y churches, medieval-y buildings, ancient-y fortifications, art-y fountains and whatnot, and I’d love to go back during Winter-time. Anyway, good times had by all, and memories made; here’s to more being made in the future. Hurrah.

[Zinar7]

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PhD Fraud #03: Space Oddity

PhD03

Okay, so things feel like they’re getting right out of hand. It’s been on the slow burn for a month or two, but I’m totally starting to get backed-up into the same misery-hole that caused me a lot of grief around twelve months ago. It’s partly down to my less-than-stellar progress at work and partly down to massive feelings of low self-esteem; both of which encircle each other and spiral things right out of control. I recently tweeted a rather unsubtle cry for help, much of which was in an effort to understand who I really ‘am’, because somewhere along the line I think I’ve forgotten. I don’t know whether it’s the PhD that’s instigated these particular thoughts or not, but the documentation is being appended to the PhD Fraud series because I think it’s relevant.

Perhaps it’s the ever-approaching conclusion to the PhD journey that’s making me evaluate what sort of person I am, and what I want to be. Far from using this time to be reflective and figure out what I can do to make improvements to my life and where, it’s merely opened a whole can of self-doubt, self-criticism and self-loathing: it seems that whenever I’m face with difficulty or disappointments in my life, I turn that anger inward and blame myself rather than just getting on with fixing what’s wrong. Case in point: at the moment I feel like I’m some kind of repulsive, unattractive whale, but instead of doing something about either my looks or my weight, I turn the disgust inward and blame myself for not looking like Johnny Depp, or Davey Havok circa the video for ‘Beautiful Thieves’. What efforts I’ve made in the past to try and improve my appearance have invariably failed and left me in just the same situation of loathing my appearance, that I’ve kind of lost the energy to try any more. Self-confidence can have a massive impact on appearance, but when (almost) every day you look in the mirror and wish there was just some way of rearranging your face into anything else, you need a lot more of it than I have the capacity for.

I feel like I have zero motivation to  do anything right now, from pursuing my current work, to doing social things or even doing things I usually enjoy in my spare time. Right now, the only motivation for work is to just get it finished, but I sort of feel like I’m so far down the rabbit-hole that I currently have no idea where the end might actually be. I’m also finding it harder and harder to enjoy my hobbies and suchlike: I seem to have misplaced a lot of the passion that used to drive various aspects of my life, and I have zero energy to either try and track down where it’s gone missing or recoup some new passion from somewhere else. I can barely get myself fired up at all in the morning, and likewise when I get home: I’d just prefer to go to sleep (not that there’s been a lot of that recently) than to spend the free time socialising with friends or chilling out with a movie/video game and whatnot.

The outreach stuff I’m also doing is cool and taking my mind of the worries, but it only takes my mind off them but doesn’t eliminate them altogether. I’ve been putting off looking at a lot of my simulation results for a long time now, and recently came to the startling conclusion that it’s do-or-die time, and I desperately need to focus on that work because of the pressing need to publish results in journal papers and the final thesis. Over the past few weeks, I’ve managed to find other, equally-pressing things that I’ve needed to do and have focussed on those – however, that particular well has finally run dry and I don’t have anything legitimately important to otherwise do.  I need to hunker down to get intimate with the actual meat of my research, and it’s bloody terrifying because the time pressure alone is immense; let alone all of the other commitments that I’ve got going on with work this summer. I’ve also got a massive complex about the quality of my work and whether it’s to the standard that it should be at my stage of my career (hint: probably not), and feel almost perpetually on the edge of giving the whole thing up altogether and claiming defeat. That last comment may be exaggerated somewhat, but it’s perhaps not as far from the mark as you’d think.

I finally got round to submitting my first journal paper around a week or so ago, and was feeling relatively good about it (I’d just about got it into a state I was happy with), but heard this morning that it’s been rejected from the special issue I submitted. The editor did give pretty good feedback and suggested that the reason it was declined was not fault in the paper itself, but more that it didn’t quite fit with the aims of that particular issue: he indicated that if I fix a couple of things and submit to the regular journal, then it’d be in with a very strong shout of getting published, but it’s still a bit of a kick in the stomach for my mood levels. Current motivation for conducting research is rock-bottom as it is, without having further barriers being placed in the way such as journal rejections and whatnot. Even my leisure-time efforts seem to be met with just about as much success: musical proficiency doesn’t seem to be improving, friendships seem like they’re drifting away from me and maintaining a regular blog presence appears impossible.

So who am I? What makes ‘me’ me? At the moment, I’m having real trouble in pinning that down. I pretty much just feel like a huge, hulking ball of mass that’s actually no use to anyone and brings little joy to anyone else’s existence. Again, that might be a reactionary comment and slightly exaggerative, but ‘ball of mass’ is about as nondescript as I feel at the moment. Hopefully I can see out the rest of this week, struggle through the bits of work I need and then go on a week’s holiday to reset my circuits. Just feel epic low right now, and any assistance/encourage/feedback anyone can give is gratefully received. Dunno, maybe just a few kind words and a reminder of how awesome everyone is that’s around me might jolt my system into returning to a normal state; as it is, I’m floating in a most peculiar way.

[Zinar7]