Today was Wilton House Classic & Supercar Day, and I think I’m right in saying that a good time was had by all. Met with the J-monster at The Lazy Cow in Salisbury at 0930 for awesome breakfast of blueberry pancakes with maple syrup & cream, before departing for Wilton in the sunshine. Some nice machinery on show, and some of my best photos are in the gallery below. Enjoy.
[Zinar7]
Massively stuck in a rut at the moment. This comes after an awesome week at Farnborough International Airshow last week, which was awesome for many, many reasons: notably awesome company, awesome stuff to see, rewarding engagement with the public and it not being my PhD. So, after a week of mega Highs, I’ve had a week of mega Lows and another inevitable look into the mirror at who I am and what I’m doing.
At the moment, I just want to Escape. Where to? Pfft, anywhere. Last week was kind of like the most magical Escape ever, what with working an 80-or so hour week with Farnborough and the Headstart Design Triathlon, since not only were both of them super-fun but also I didn’t really have time to stop and think about my problems or worries. Skip forward a week, and things are the complete opposite: sure, life is a rollercoaster and has ups and downs, blah blah blah, but usually they’re rarely this violent or placed so close together. I’d just love to run away somewhere and hide out for an indefinite amount of time; barricade myself in a fortress of pillows in a long-forgotten cave and sleep away eternity. Running away from problems, though, is rarely a viable solution, but it seems too tiring and depleting to tackle them head-on right now: I just don’t have the energy or willpower to fight them, so retreating to a completely comatose state devoid of feelings sounds almost like heaven right now. It’s all just too much, and I’m feeling hugely overwhelmed with Life in general.
Also following such a busy week of meeting and talking to so, so many people, the return back to everyday life makes me feel so alone. Maybe it’s my brain trying to do the Escaping for me; shutting out everything and everyone in an attempt to wish my problems away. This sort of thing is normal service, bottling up the troubles and keeping out everyone who might try to tinker with them. It’s always been this way, and I’m not sure I know an alternative. There are some people I can talk freely and openly to (oddly enough, not even necessarily those I’ve known for a long time) but every so often the barrier opens enough to let someone in, to actually forge a real bond or connection. Meeting new people is always a constant strain: I’m always worried about how I come across, or trying so hard for others to ‘like’ me rather than just being myself. It’s when the blockade is truly disengaged that I make the best friendships, when I’m not pressurising myself to be the most likeable, talented or attractive homo sapien in existence, but just being content with presenting myself as I really am. There’s a great part from the end of The Ataris – The Hero Dies in this One that sums that all up pretty nicely: “The hardest part isn’t finding who we need to be, it’s being content with who you are.”
The PhD locomotive has slowed to an almost halt at the moment, and it’s almost impossible to either built up enough momentum to get through the day, or to maintain concentration for more the fifteen minutes before the inevitable desire to do anything else at all overwhelms. My work feels so unfinished, and so useless, and my energy stores are so empty that I don’t have the facilities to do anything about it. I came into my PhD fresh with enthusiasm, and ideals of creating or developing something that I could be proud of in three years’ time: what little I feel like I’ve achieved barely even classifies as something ‘new’. I’m disillusioned, dispirited and despaired with myself and my abilities. I don’t feel like I deserve a PhD at this stage, to be honest. And that’s pretty demoralising: I don’t think I’ve made enough of an impact to obtain a doctoral qualification yet, and the worry is that it’s still a long way off. Sure, supervisors are encouraging and hint that I’m being pessimistic, but it’s a constant battle with my own confidence. Then again, do I even care any more? If I finish my thesis and get rejected for a PhD but make it out with an MPhil, is that so bad? For many, coming out with an MPhil is worse than not bothering in the first place, but what difference does it really make in the end? Applying for jobs or a career is subjective (on the part of the employer) anyway, so if I’m looking to head into industry, those 3-4 years of research struggle probably tell a bigger story about my commitment and perserverence in the face of adversity than about my failure to obtain a full doctorate.
Good news? Well, there is some. Turns out that, as part of the University of Southampton Roadshow, I’m going to be representing our research group at Bestival, and in order to get extra tickets so one other from my group can come, I volunteered to give a half-hour talk in the ‘Bestiversity’ zone of the festival or a rolling daily schedule. So yeah, I’m playing Bestival. Stressing my balls off about it at the moment, but if I can nail it then it should be pretty fun and also a massive thing for both my confidence and CV. Plus, while I’m not au fait with much of the line-up (I don’t think Bestival is really aimed at me), I will relish the opportunity to see Justice live, plus there’s New Order, Gary Numan, Kavinsky and maybe Nero to go watch as well. Just need to whip a half-hour talk into shape in less than six weeks, is all…
Anyway, I’ve probably vented for long enough. I feel a little bit better for doing so, but if you’ve read this far down the post, you have to promise to do me a favour. Next time you ask me how I am, if I respond with “I’m fine,” don’t believe me. Keep asking me, because eventually I’ll break and explain the issues with the kind of gravity that they have rather than trying to brush them off. Things feel dark for me at the moment, but only because they were so light so long ago; and I’d like to recapture those photons and feel as energised as I did last week. I can’t run away from problems and I can’t keep them stored up forever. Open me up, and let the light in.
[Zinar7]
Last week was the Farnborough International Airshow 2012, and I was there for five of the seven days of the event representing the Astro Research Group on the University of Southampton Aerospace stand in the newly-formed Innovation Zone. During the downtime and so on, I managed to take a whole bunch of pictures; of which those presented in the gallery below are a small selection of the best. Enjoy!
[Zinar7]
Today was Goodwood Moving Motor Show day, and despite the overwhelming heat and humidity, a good time was had by all and many photos were taken of delicious machinery. Here’s just a few of them.
[Zinar7]
It’s been a while since my last proper entry, but I haven’t fully documented my (brief) time in Germany at the end of April (22nd-27th) nor shared any photos, so thought I’d go ahead and do that. I was over in Nuremberg for the EUSAR 2012 conference (European Conference on Synthetic Aperture Radar) and to present some of my work, so it was partly for business but also partly for pleasure. I’ve never been to das Deutsche vaterland before (despite continuing with the German language at school further than I did with French), so I was crazy keen to do so. Anyway, turns out it was farking awesome, so all’s well that ends well.
Arrived on the Monday evening and successfully managed to negotiate the U-bahn from the airport to the Hauptbahnhof (main train station) and out into Nuremberg itself. The hotel I booked was right near the station, which ended up pretty useful for getting to/from places and also not getting lost. Hotel wasn’t too bad, apart from the really thin walls and floor which meant I could hear noisy people walking up and down the corridor at like 1am and then 6am (with noisy wheely suitcases), so kind of didn’t sleep hugely well all week. Eventually got used to being awake at 7am and heading down to buffet breakfast, although on no day did I actually manage to get to the conference on time (which started at 0830) which remained a bit of a mystery. Conference itself was okay; a few interesting talks interspersed with some tediously dull ones. I think my own talk went down as well as could be expected: Had a few people come up and talk about my work afterwards, which is always a good sign that you’re on the right track.
The conference centre itself was pretty nice and the catering was top-notch (especially since I wasn’t actually expecting to be fed), so a fairly pleasant few days of work(ish) activity. The weather in the middle of the week was a little damp, but I think I skipped one afternoon of the conference to make use of a brief sunny weather to look round Nuremberg in the daytime since by the time I’d get back from the hotel from the conference each day it was beginning to get dark and so wouldn’t get much of a chance to look round the city under natural light. I’d booked my return flight in the evening on the day after the final conference day, and the weather on that Friday was bright sunshine and 25 degree weather which was pretty epic. I think I managed to walk around the entireity of Nuremberg that day (largely because I’d been kicked out of my hotel and couldn’t go the airport yet) and even up around the Imperial Castle, which has got a pretty rad view of the city. Turns out it’s not that huge a metropolis, but just feels a lot larger because there’s loads of windy streets and narrow, cobbled pathways. The hotel was pretty central (next to the main station which has the U-bahn to both conference centre and airport) and near a load of food-type stuff (plus the tourist information centre also what appeared to be the red light district), so that helped a lot in the stakes of the Not Getting Lost game.
Nuremberg’s pretty good for shopping, and one of the many awesome places is Käthe Wohlfahrt, which is full of awesome Christmas stuff and open all year round: I bought Bry and myself a wooden nutcracker solider guy to hang from a tree (that we currently don’t own, but will do one day, I’m sure). There was a Steiff shop that was equally awesome, but far too expensive for my budget; I had a look around and they had some old bears in there (along with loads of new toys) but didn’t decide to bring anything home. Germany’s the home of boardgames, and I managed to come away with some cool new ones in the way of Carcassonne: Mayflower and Alhambra, as well as a couple of new Carcassonne expansions which haven’t made to English shores yet but look pretty interesting – Carcassonne: The Flier and Carcassonne: Messages. The hand worker’s market (Handwerkerhof) is also a super-cool medieval market just within the city walls (and not far from my hotel and the main station) which was full of loads of craft-based stuff like glass-blowing, toymaking and woodcrafting: certainly if I’d had any money left by the end of the week, I could’ve found plenty of cool stuff to come home with.
The only downside to everything was the nightmare return trip: our plane got delayed leaving Nuremberg airport (because Amsterdam was super-busy and they couldn’t fit our landing slot in) so missed my connection to Heathrow at Amsterdam and had to stay a night in a hotel in Amsterdam (courtesy of KLM). I say ‘night’; the flight I missed was due to leave at 2030 and was the last flight (to LHR) of the day, so I got lucky with getting the first flight the next day (apparently all flights out of AMS were fully-booked until the Monday, but n/m) at 0630, so spent only six hours in the hotel before flying back, meaning I barely got any sleep, didn’t have anything with me (all my luggage was at the airport baggage area) or any clean clothes to change into. Also we had to leave the hotel at like 0430 so didn’t even manage to get breakfast at the airport, but everything (including me and my luggage) made it back okay on Saturday, so all’s well.
I took a bunch of photos over the trip, so here’s a little gallery of the rest of them:
Found it kind of a wrench to leave in the end, but also didn’t want to outstay my welcome; I’d definitely like to go back to Bavaria again sometime soon, so was quite keen not to burn out the experience. It’s chock-full of awesome stuff to go see: gothic-y churches, medieval-y buildings, ancient-y fortifications, art-y fountains and whatnot, and I’d love to go back during Winter-time. Anyway, good times had by all, and memories made; here’s to more being made in the future. Hurrah.
[Zinar7]
Flying off to Germany for EUSAR 2012 tomorrow. Involves atrociously early start (catch National Express from campus at 0745) and a change at Amsterdam airport, but I should be touching down at Nuremberg by tomorrow evening and all set to head to the Nuremberg Conference/Exhibition Centre for the conference from Tuesday to Thursday. Wish me luck!
Currently, it’s looking like my review of Destroy All Humans! might be my last, at least for a while. Time is quite precious to me at the moment and, as it turns out, playing games is a lot more fun than writing about them. It’s always been my intention to ‘up’ my use of this blog, and that I should update more regularly – but less formally – than what I’m doing currently. My first few reviews for No More Heroes and LEGO Harry Potter Years 1-4 pretty much wrote themselves: Indeed, I knocked those out during short breaks at work. Of late, however (starting with Epic Mickey, which took about six months before I actually posted it) I’ve found significantly higher barriers from me getting them done; partially because I’ve been so darned busy at work that I’ve no motivation to pseudo-‘work’ in my free time by writing reviews, and also partially because the backlog of EVERYTHING I currently have. I’d much rather this be a freeform blog in which I’m free to talk about whatever I want in a relaxed way and when I have something I want to say, rather than expending all my creative juices on formal reviews and having little time for more jolly fare. I’m hoping I can keep up reviews of new stuff (i.e. new music/videogame releases), such that my opinions will be useful to others who’re considering picking up the same release, but my experiences with other stuff may be documented in a more relaxed manner.
During the last month, a monumental force has been gathering, defending the Helm’s Deep that is The Hobbit pub in my own native Southampton from the forces of Sauron’s army, headed by the Saul Zaentz Company. I’ve been following it very closely, and now things seem to be (pretty much) resolved, thought I’d chronicle it all here for future, personal memory.
A few days late I know, but here’s my round-up of my favourite stuff from 2011. Enjoy!
(see Empire’s 500 Greatest Movies of All Time) Progress: 314/500
Best Movies (I hadn’t seen) ~ The Apartment, Some Like it Hot, Bad Taste, Ratatouille, Duck Soup
New Discoveries ~ Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, Jack Lemmon, Billy Wilder
Disappointments ~ Mulholland Drive, Danger: Diabolik, Spirit of the Beehive, The 400 Blows
Best Purchase ~ My delightful Kisai Seven [aka. 7RON] watch (link)
Best Book ~ Mark Kermode – The Good, The Bad & The Multiplex
Best Internet Video ~ Masterchef Synesthesia (video link)
Runners-Up ~ Psychosocial Baby (video link), Nyan Cat (video link), Benton/Fenton (video link)
Most Apt Phrase to Sum Up 2011 ~ “I used to [insert appropriate phrase here], but then I took an arrow to the knee.” – Skyrimlolz.
Word of 2011 ~ ‘Superinjunction’.
Quote of 2011 ~”Just goes to show, people with brain damage are the real heroes.” – Wheatley
Looking Forward to in 2012 ~ The Dark Knight Rises; The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey ; Wii U ; Alestorm at the Cellar (Southampton) ; drinking in a whole load more motorsport; actually finishing Portal 2 ; Gyakuten Saiban (the movie) ; potentially becoming a Doctor of Philosophy ; Stewart Lee on Jan 15th (London).
[Zinar7]
Since I’ve very little to say aside from wishing everyone a happy holiday, here’s a picture of Serafina wearing a Santa Claus hat. Merry Christmas!
[Zinar7]
Sinister Resistance 